About the Minions

The Emperor:

The Emperor always had high ambitions, from wanting to take over the sandbox when He was a young child to taking over His primary and secondary schools in bloody coups. Now, He's got his sights set on His biggest target to date: the world. Not much is really known about the Emperor, and neither He nor His closest friends and allies are willing to divulge much information.


Jeanie:
(Council of the Exchequer, Head Librarian)

There was always something about Jeanie. While other children were out building castles in the sand for the Emperor, Jeanie was calculating pi to 20 decimal places. When other children were reading The Adventures of Spot, Jeanie was lapping up great novels of the 19th century. As she got older, her appetite for all things mathematic and literary only grew, and her exploits came to the attention of the Emperor. He recruited her to work for His company of the time, Global Domination Inc., managing the finances and keeping an eye on the company's stockpiles of paperwork and other various books. When the Emperor unveiled His plans, her title was shifted, although her duty remained the same.


High Temptress Baradot:
(Espionage Extraordinaire)

Baradot first came into the Emperor's attention when he spotted her attempting to seduce the drummer of a band at a concert in order to obtain free backstage passes for her and her friends. Of course, she succeeded, and in the process gave the Emperor an idea. He approached her with an offer to join His ranks as an agent of espionage. She gladly joined, and quickly set out to fool the Emperor's enemies into thinking she was an air-headed harlot who could be easily be manipulated to reveal the Empire's secrets. Little did they know, however, how competent a manipulator she was, and all their plans were promptly leaked to the Emperor, giving Him seemingly prescient abilities.


Jimmy:
(Chief Political Turd-Pusher)

If you want something done right and done fast, this is the man to do it. One of the childhood friends of the Emperor, Jimmy was by the Emperor's side when He took over His primary and secondary schools, taking a role as a corrector of dissent amongst the Emperor's subjects and enemies. There were many a time when members of opposing forces would rise above the ranks of the rest and challenge the Emperor's supremacy, in the process rallying a substantial mob to try and wrestle power from Him. However, Jimmy was always there to quash these rebellious fools and restore the Emperor's iron-foot rule as the sole power. Quick of wit and quick of fist, this is a man not to be reckoned with.


Jon:
(Head Buffetier)

Jon has always had a sensitive palate, winning numerous tasting competitions and occasionally criticising food for The Imperial Weekly. Seeking greater glory, Jon joined the ranks of buffetiers working for a man with great ambitions. Little did he know that this man would go on to become the Emperor. Numerous assassination attempts were made on the Emperor, and one by one the other buffetiers fell away. Jon, however, proved to be impervious to any toxin for when he smelt the food, the miniscule vapours of poisons would stimulate his taste buds and he would immediately warn the Emperor of the danger of that food. Needless to say, he was quickly made Head Buffetier and remains so until this day.

Royal Decrees

The following are a series of changes to the law that will be made after I take over.

1. The Emperor has absolute power. He will be able to make or break any decree at any time, regardless of His sanity or mental state. The Emperor does not need to follow his own decrees, and any persons who object will be dealt with in a manner which the Emperor believes is fitting. This may range to no punishment, for people He likes, to eternal torture, for people He dislikes or is indifferent towards. He will also have absolute control over everything that goes on in the Empire. His appointed ministers and other high ranking officials are simply for keeping an eye on the country while His attention is elsewhere. At the end of the proverbial day, He can change or undermine any of His underlings at His whim.
   
2. Individuals deemed useless to society will be put to good use. There are many options currently being considered for such wastes of resources. It has been suggested that these personnel be studied and their bodily nutrients and energies be extracted for use on various other projects. Others suggest, to this Emperor's great liking, that these people have their bodies donated to medical science, and yet more others suggest that the remainder of their functional organs be donated to those in dire need. Their assets will be liquidated and assimilated into the empire. Their families will not be compensated, and in some cases they will be punished for harbouring a drain on the empire's limited resources. How people are deemed useless to society is covered in Decree 3.
3. People are deemed useless by the Emperor. This process involves a complex mathematical formula, which calculates the ratio of how much the person has gained from society to how much the person has put back into society. Obviously this is no simple equation as the worth of individuals to society is not purely monetary. The person is useless if this ratio is greater than 1.5. Of course, the elderly and those in a coma, who generally cannot put much back into society, will be judged on how useful they were in life and how much it costs the Empire to sustain them. If the cost to sustain them far outweighs what they were worth, or in the case of the comatose, how much they might be worth if they woke up as well, then they will be deemed useless to society. Pensions are covered in Decree 4. Obviously the Emperor cannot review each individual to determine whether or not they are useful, so it has instead been left to the people of the Empire to suggest persons who they think are useless. Those who have no source of income, i.e. the unemployed, the elderly and so on, are judged based on what it will cost to sustain these persons. So, this is an advanced warning to the unemployed: get a job or do a lot of good to society or else you will be assimilated into the Empire.
   
4. Pensions will be allocated according to how much the person is/was to society. Disabled persons will be allocated money according to how much they earn as a direct result of their work and also how useful their work is to society. The more they make, the less pension they receive and the more their work is of value to society, the more they receive.
5. Spammers absolutely will not be tolerated. All incidences of spamming will be relentlessly investigated by my own secret service: the ISA (Imperial Security Agency). Those who are found to be spamming anything will be dealt with quickly and harshly. Their punishment will involve horrendous pain and immense embarrassment to the offender, with a subsequent but extremely delayed death. They will be made to wish the human race never existed, for then they would not exist to feel the pain of their torture. No device will be deemed too cruel or inhumane to use on such scoundrels and no method deemed too vicious. One example that comes to mind is the extraction (but not section) of the gonads of a fully conscious subject to be fed to wild dogs while they are still attached. Such is the fate of the stupid.

FAQ about the Empire

Q: What is the Empire?
A: The Empire will be the ruling party of the world. Although it technically consists of many participants (who willingly joined in the search for greater glory, a search that will be fulfilled), the Empire is really all about one man: the Emperor. He alone will hold all the power (the reason for this is outlined below). If you're interested in joining the Empire, enquire within. If you are truly willing there will be a place for you.

Q: Why are you creating this Empire?
A: To rid the world of squabbling. I figure that if having so many rulers of small individual countries is so inefficient due to war and trade disagreements, then wouldn't one large empire presided over by one man be much better at managing the world? After all, there won't be war after I take over because there'll be no one left to conquer, and any civil unrests will be crushed with an iron fist holding a .50 Smith & Wesson. Also, with one man ruling the world, all decisions will be made promptly and because this man is very intelligent, he will make good decisions. No more wasting time in parliament, congress or whatever backwater collection of idiots arguing about this or that. Things will get done.

Q: What will it be called?
A: A definitive name has not yet been decided. Wang's World sounds alright. World of Wang, the Wayland Empire...But really, if I'm taking over the world a name isn't really necessary is it? Because everyone will be part of the same empire, it won't really matter what it's called.

Q: When will the Empire be complete?
A: The Empire is a work in progress. They say that Rome wasn't built in a day. Well, neither will this Empire. Although, the Empire is superior to the ancient Roman empire in so many ways who knows? Maybe the world really will be taken over in just one day? But as of yet no definitive date of conquest has been set.

Q: How will you take over the world?
A: By any means necessary. Whether it will be through sheer force, unabashed bullying, empty threats or whatever. Being a fan of explosions and the like however, sheer force looks like a good option.

Q: Are there or will there be any positions available in your government?
A: Yes. Join today and you won't suffer tomorrow!

Q: Final question: are you absolutely insane?
A: This is a hard question to answer, and the essay that would undoubtedly accompany such a deep question is beyond the scope of this article. Let's just say that I am not clinically insane, although some may question the sanity in stating that one is simply "clinically" sane, and not other forms of sanity. That said, I do not believe that I am insane, but I suppose depending on who you ask, you may receive differing opinions. The fact that I have been mostly coherent so far would lead one to suspect that I am in fact a sane person in all meanings of the word. Of course, a sane person would not normally have to defend his or her mental state, so perhaps that is a sign that I am in fact not wholly there of mind. Nevertheless, I maintain the fact that I am sane and I do believe that it does not matter, as anyone hell bent on world domination must be in some part, insane. That does not mean that I won't make a good leader. Not that it matters anyway.